


Not That Kind Of Unicorn

by FindYourAnchor (DustyHalo)



Series: Foxverse (Sterek Bingo 2019) [11]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bobby Finstock Is In Denial Of The Supernatural, Gen, POV Bobby Finstock, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-30 22:26:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19036846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DustyHalo/pseuds/FindYourAnchor
Summary: The lacrosse field is in ruins, Lydia, Stiles, and Derek are covered in some kind of sparkly goo, and Bobby Finstock is in full denial of the supernatural.





	Not That Kind Of Unicorn

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, the bus is taking a short detour to crackville. Please watch out for unicorns when you exit the vehicle and tip your author with a comment if you laugh. ;)  
> Written for Sterek Bingo 2019.  
> Theme: Unicorn

Bobby Finstock stood at the edge of the Lacrosse field with wide eyed horror.  His beautiful field was in ruins. Large clumps of overturned grass littered the ground and deep gouges in the earth marred the once pristine playing field.

A sound caught his attention and he looked over to find Stiles and Lydia crouching over some guy who was sprawled on his back with Stiles’ hands pressed to his skin where his shirt was torn open. All three were covered in some kind of viscous fluid that sparkled.

“What the hell happened?” Bobby demanded and the three of them looked at him with wide eyes and panting breaths. “All Of you, in my office! Now!”

They walked with squelching footsteps to Bobby’s office ahead of him. All the while shooting each other meaningful looks.

“Sit,” Bobby instructed without thinking once they were inside his office. “No wait!” He cried with sudden realization as globs of- whatever it was they were covered in- splattered against the floor and he made a stopping motion with both hands to halt their progress. “Don't sit. Just stand _right there_.”

All of them stopped their attempts to follow his previous instructions and each stood awkwardly. Stiles the only one among them daring to move. His shoe scuffing against the floor with a nervous motion.

“Now, which one of you is going to tell me what the hell happened to my field?”

The three of them exchanged glances for a few moments. Eventually they all seemed to come to a silent agreement.

“I'm going to be honest with you coach.” Stiles paused, exchanging glances once more with Lydia and the guy that looked like he just walked out of a Men’s Health magazine. “It was a unicorn.”

Bobby leaned forward. Perhaps he'd misheard. “I beg your pardon?”

Stiles continued, “It showed up on the lacrosse field and Derek-”

“Who's Derek?”

“I am,” The annoyingly attractive one said flatly.

Bobby gave Derek the once over, taking in the defined build and perfectly groomed scruff on his face. “Good lord how many times were you held back? You look even older than Greenberg.”

“I’m not a student here. At least not anymore.” Derek furrowed his brow, his eyes narrowing. “Who's Greenberg?”

“The bane of my existence,” Bobby muttered.

“Anyway,” Stiles cut in, “It was charging around the field kicking up grass. I guess pissed off because it couldn't find a virgin or something so we figured we should try to catch it.”

Lydia shook her head with a frown. “It didn’t go well.”

“I kept telling them to stay away from it,” Derek said with no small amount of annoyance. “Because unicorns are particularly vicious creatures.”

“Well, like Derek just said this thing was surprisingly nasty,” Stiles continued. “And it came at me so Derek tried to stop it from killing me only it stabbed him with its horn. So Lydia screamed, and I guess unicorns are really vulnerable to banshee screams because it just exploded.”

Unicorn? _Unicorn_? Maybe this was some kind of sex thing? He had already suspected the kid was kinky if the length of chain that had cascaded dramatically from his locker during his junior year was anything to go by, but covering himself in glittery lube and ripping a guys shirt open on the lacrosse field was a whole new level even for Stiles.

“Look I don't know what kind of polyamorous thing the three of you have going on here but you probably shouldn't be calling your girlfriend a banshee,” Bobby advised.

“She’s not- she's not my girlfriend.”

“And I've never really understood the whole unicorn thing but if it works for you Stiles-”

“No, coach,” Stiles protested, “it was a real unicorn.”

Bobby squinted at them as they all started talking in a jumble of nonsensical words to the point he couldn't even tell who was actually speaking anymore.

“It came out of this portal.”

“You know I always wanted a unicorn as a kid.”

“Things just happened so fast.”

“It was all white with a flowing silvery mane-”

“These two had no idea what they were up against.”

“But this whole thing has just destroyed all those dreams…just…pow-”

“So it was up to me to stop it but then it gored me.”

“-with this diamond horn that glowed like a rainbow.”

“-right in the childhood.”

Bobby stared between the three of them, raising one brow and then the other as he did. “Yeah I didn't follow any of that.”

The three of them opened their mouths to continue but Bobby raised a hand to silence them.

“The point is you can't just be having wild unicorn sex romps out on my lacrosse field.”

“It wasn't…we weren't…” Stiles sputtered. His face flushing a brilliant shade of red. “I am not a unicorn!”

“There's no need to be embarrassed Stiles,” Bobby reassured, because even though he voted republican he still liked to think of himself as a pretty progressive guy. “It takes all types.”

“I am not a unicorn!” Stiles repeated, flustered. “Not that there's anything wrong with that! But I am monogamous! Very very monogamous!”

“Come on Stiles, you can be honest. We're all friends here.”

Lydia pressed her lips together and that Derek guy hid his mouth behind a fisted hand. Both of them clearly moved by his deep and profound respect for Stiles.

Stiles looked to Derek who seemed to be trying to silently encourage him with his less than articulate eyebrows and a head tilt while Stiles mouthed something that looked suspiciously like “no” repeatedly.

Stiles made a frustrated sound behind a tight lipped glower at Derek then looked back at Bobby. “Yeah, yeah, I'm…” He let out a deep breath. “I'm a unicorn.”

“Attaboy,” Bobby praised as he clapped a hand on Stiles’ shoulder then immediately regretted it when he pulled his hand back and thick threads of the gunk covering Stiles hung between his palm and Stiles’ shoulder.

Stiles’ mouth pulled down in an expression of disgust. “I need a shower…”

“Yeah,” Bobby agreed as he waved his hand in a vain effort to flick the viscous substance from his skin. “You should all go shower. Hot water. Really exfoliate. Get a deep cleanse.”

They left after that with Bobby shaking his head as he watched their retreat.


End file.
